Editor’s note: Sarah Moore is a featured blogger on CuddleBugs. She’ll be posting a two-part series this week on TweenBeat.
If you are just tuning in, please read Part One of my story here.
So where did my husband and I go wrong? What happened? I need someone or something to blame but I’m running in circles right now trying to find an answer where there might be none.
I know that her mother and father did not get along while they were married and had an especially ugly divorce and custody fight. Could that be it? I just don’t know and Marissa had a hard time communicating with us about why she behaved in this way.
I considered the possibility of getting her some counseling but my husband is strongly against this, as if it would be admitting there might be something wrong with her, or even us, but I see it as a way to help this confused 11-year old confront her issues.
We spoke with Marissa on this topic and what she had done for a long time that night, and well into the weekend. We tried to make her connect her actions and words to the whys and hows of the situation. I even made her read the note aloud so she would hear how ugly those words were. I showed her articles about recent bullying instances and the devastating results for the victims, such as suicide, failing school, school shootings, etc.
She was in tears during some of this, but I could not stop until she understood this was not a harmless joke. Even telling the child she didn’t want to be his friend was mean, but then what she had written was despicable.
We asked Marissa to write apology notes to her teacher, to the child the note was directed at, and most importantly, to God. We also have been praying more and reading the Bible together more as a family. I am trying to find the positive in all this, so hopefully she has learned a valuable lesson.
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Any thoughts on counseling?
Tags: blended families, bullying, Child Discipline, communication, counseling, divorce, family, hate crimes, onslow memorial hospital, parenting, Sarah Moore, tweens
I really appreciate you sharing this story. I don’t have any great advice for you, but I do know a couple of things.
1. ANY kid can make this kind of a mistake! It doesn’t mean there was something wrong with her upbringing or with her emotional/mental health. I think all of us have, at one time or another, done something to deliberately hurt another. Help her learn her lesson and then help her move on and leave it in the past. She is so young–you don’t want her to carry around guilt from her mistake or be convinced she is a “bad” person.
2. I wonder if you need to take seriously your daughter’s claim that her actions were in response to being treated unkindly by the other child? It could be that she herself has been the victim of social/emotional bullying. Kids who are victims of bullying are much more likely to also engage in bullying themselves. It could be that she needs some help figuring out how to respond to someone who is being mean to her. I think you should pay attention to her explanation for why she wrote the note. Obviously, that doesn’t excuse it, but it might give some insight into what kind of situation your daughter was dealing with.
Trinyan thank you so much for your input; I was hoping I would hear some of your sage advice and I was not disappointed! You bring up 2 very good points that help me to look at this situation from a different perspective.
True, I’d say we all have done something mean in our pasts, but this was too over the top for me I guess because I view it as a child’s version of gay-bashing. Hatred of any kind is deplorable in my opinion, and it just seemed too much from my daughter.
I definitely don’t want her to think she is a bad person, but at the same time I don’t want her to forget this. I remember snubbing a girl I was friends with when I was Marissa’s age, and I still recall every detail and hurtful word and I actually do still feel guilty about that so many years later. I think that that experience helped keep me compassionate from then on and very aware of other’s feelings.
I did not even consider that the other child had been bullying her — thank you! We discussed this further after that suggestions over dinner. She did share with us that she had been friends with this other child but the child had lately been bragging about how much money their parents made and how cool their expensive name brand clothes were — this was the reason for the nasty note. We also talked about what are some ways to respond when someone is mean to you and Marissa had some good ideas there, which we were happy to hear.
Thanks again Trinyan, I always appreciate your input.
I can remember more than one occasion when I was deliberately cruel to another person. Once when I was egged on by a group of my friends and just didn’t have the strength of character to stand up to them. Another time I had been mistreated and felt humiliated and helpless, so I used the worst racial slur I could think of. I knew it was wrong, but I was more focused on “getting even.” Like you I can still remember those incidents with feelings of shame and remorse. Experience is a powerful teacher.
Have you seen Bill Cosby’s book about bullying? I can’t remember what it is called, but you could look it up on Amazon.com. It basically teaches kids things they can say and ways they can react when they are being teased or verbally abused. Your daughter might be a little old for it, but it offers some pretty simple and effective tools.
I remembered hearing something about a group organized in the name of one of the young women who was killed in the Columbine shootings that were prompted in part by bullying. It’s called “Rachel’s Challenge” and it works off the principles of peer pressure and a school environment being contagious. Instead of bullying, exclusion, teasing, and other negative characteristics traveling through the school, the program attempts to start a positive chain reaction by spreading love, inclusion, tolerance, and kindness. Maybe starting a program like that in her school, or even doing it just herself, might be a way to help your daughter heal by turning a bad experience into a positive one. http://www.rachelschallenge.org/
First off Sarah, I love reading your blogs! As far as advice, I’m not sure I have any. I applaud you for taking this seriously and trying to make your stepdaughter see how bullying can affect not only the “victim” but herself as well. I love what Trinyan said and agree that oftentimes it may be hurt feelings or having been bullied that lead to participation. Your stepdaughter is also still young enough that they often don’t fully think through consequences before acting. I know my daughter has been bullied and fortunately she has discussed it before acting. Although, it took some time to discover the cause of her anger at home. She was projecting it on her brother. I think counseling is beneficial to anybody. If all parties are open to it, it can be beneficial. Anytime a child has been through a bad relationship there can be unresolved emotions and feelings. Talking with an “outsider” can often help release built up stress and resentment. Best of luck. Thanks for sharing your story.
Trinyan, I found that book at the library! Thanks for the recommendation; although it’s a little young for Marissa, it teaches a valuable lesson that she still can gain ideas from. It is called “The Meanest Thing To Say” by the way.
I checked out the Rachel’s Challenge site and the video of course made me cry. Chris and I are going to read her story with Marissa this weekend and see what she thinks — good website, thanks again!
Kristin, thanks for the compliment (: Yes, consequences are a hard thing to learn but I want to teach her as soon as possible, because I feel she should understand them by now, before she heads into middle school next year, you know?
I’m sorry your daughter had to experience this — it makes me so mad that kids can be so mean sometimes! That is great that she was so smart to come and talk to you about it before doing anything about it.
I think we are going to get her some counseling, at least a couple sessions to see if it might benefit her. Thanks for the luck!