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My tween has a dilemma.  As parents we are supportive of her desire to dance.  However, she wants to take 2 different dance classes on 2 different days (which we think is fine since the studio is close to our home), but she has adamantly stated that 2 days is too much with her homework.  Her dilemma, “maybe I shouldn’t dance because the class I want to take requires me to take ballet too.”  I admire my tween for knowing her limitations.  Even watching her try to express her feelings about what she is doing this year at school was getting her worked up.  Obviously we want her to enjoy dance and we don’t want to push her.  We want to encourage and be supportive.  The age old question remains, “to be or not to be?”

I wish I could wave a magic wand and create time for my tween to relax, to have less homework, to be less of a perfectionist and to cut herself some slack.  Our tweens are under academic, social, emotional and athletic pressure.  I think I have it bad, but I’m not sitting at a desk for 7 1/2 hours a day and then coming home to another hour and then needing to sleep to repeat it again.  My tween needs down time, play time, creative time social time and learning to build that into her routine can be challenging.

When I think I have it hard or that I’m worn down, I quickly realize it is nothing in comparison to the pressures that our children are facing.  As a parent I am constantly evaluating and re-evaluating to make sure I’m not pushing, expecting or “forcing” my tween to be more scheduled than she can handle.  With the start of school I am reminded with the schedules sent out and the new grading methods of fourth grade how stressful it could appear to a tween.

Participating in activities that release energy, are enjoyable and are fun are all beneficial to relieving high stress levels.  Communication is essential.  Evaluation and Reality is important to.  Listening is essential when trying to decide what to participate in or not.

How do you help your child find balance in their schedules?  How do you teach your tween how to relieve stress in a positive and healthy manor?

I’m beginning to realize that motherhood dictates my life.  My schedule and wants are second.  This is OK, it’s a reality.  There have been many articles written on kids being over-scheduled.  How about the effects on over-scheduled Moms, it has the same effect…BURNOUT.  Many women/mothers work, go to school, support husbands in demanding occupations or are left for long periods of time being single parents, plus taking care of health, home and kids.  By the time we all put appointments on our calendars it can become overwhelming and over-scheduled.  So, how do we fulfill our personal needs, give our children experiences, foster a sense of independence and creativity while not over-scheduling ourselves, children or family?

Here a few personal reflections on how I try to seek balance while avoiding complete Burnout….

1. Prioritize.  Evaluate where you spend a lot of time.  Is this working?  If not, change.  A wise man once said, ”As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best. Even though a particular choice is more costly, its far greater value may make it the best choice of all.”

2. Be Realistic.  We all know what triggers stress in our self, children and families.  So, listen.  If it is too much for Mom, it is probably too much for the children.

3.  Be honest.  Know your limitations and express them.  There is no harm in telling someone “No” or, “I can’t”  Ultimately, family comes first.

4.  Communicate.  Communication is key not only with your spouse, children, but as a family.  We have tried both ways…trying to do it all and learning that we have to limit each child to one activity so that none of us are over-scheduled.

5.  Be creative.  I have learned that things that bring me great joy can be combined with already scheduled activities.  If I’m already at my son’s soccer practice and they need volunteers, why not volunteer.  I’m teaching my other children to serve, building memories, and teaching my children about the value of creatively using time.

I loved this article written in a medical journal about over-scheduled children.  I think we can also apply it to parents.  It reminds us all to re-evaluate our good intentions and to slow down.  Schedule time to do nothing.  Schedule Pajama days.  Explore and create.

Do you feel over-scheduled as a mother and what do you do to avoid it?

Don’t get excited, I’m not speaking about any particular swear word, I’m talking about FEAR!  My children come from a family history of anxiety.  It is a very real thing.  Unfortunately, people often scoff or say that it’s their environment or us that create such reactions.  Anxiety and worry is normal with children and people.  However, people that are diagnosed with anxiety disorders have a heightened physical response to stimuli.  My tween has been long diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.  She physically gets sick- heart palpitations, headaches, stomachaches, vomits, shakes, etc.  We have used a combination of therapy and low dose medication to help ease her anxiety.  She has often “felt” different and cannot do what other kids her age does yet because her anxiety is still heightened to certain things…heights, falling (riding a bike) and drowning…swimming in deep water.  As parents we want her to be able to do these things but have learned to adapt, not push, encourage and wait.  This week I experienced a proud mom moment as I watched her gear up and pass her deep water test.  She beamed with confidence and increased self esteem!

She was talking to herself and was so focused that she did many more laps than required.  It was actually pretty cute.  I watched as her anxiety heightened and she used self learned methods to calm herself down.  I was there cheering her on and knowing that she could do it if she focused.  I also knew that there was a possibility of the fear getting the best of her…however, we learn from failure as well as success.  I watched proudly as I saw her practice, perform and overcome her FEAR!  She passed!  Then it was overcoming the diving board and doing what she has seen from across the pool all summer….kids her age jumping in the pool off the diving board.   Once she discovers the freedom and joy and privilege of her success, there will be little holding her back.

As I parent I have had to learn when to push and when to back off.  Each child is different.  Each child has different fears.  I am proud of my tween because she is learning how to handle her fears and what her own limitations are.  She has shown courage in speaking up for the things she knows she’s not ready for.

How has your tween overcome personal fears or challenges?  How have you dealt with acceptance of these fears as a parent?

Summertime has brought many visitors and we LOVE it!  Being military and away from family has it’s challenges.  It is often expensive to visit family and not always easy with busy schedules, deployments, etc.  However, it is important to foster those family ties.  I’m the first to admit that I’m not good at letter writing, emails, sending pictures, etc.  I have good intentions, but being a mother is sometimes all I can do with 4 peoples’ schedules, routines, etc; I often “fail” at being the best correspondent.  This is why we love visitors because the kids and I can re-connect with family and show them how much we do love and appreciate them and create memories.

There is a unique “power” found in family relationships.  It is one that transcends through time, distance, and “issues.”  The saying, “blood is thicker than water” is a true statement.  My children see their family maybe once a year and often have gone for longer stints without visits.  Yet, when they are together it is an immediate connection, familiarity, and comfort.

We are blessed this week to have my sister and nephew visiting from Ohio.  It is so fun to see my children pick up like time hasn’t stopped.  We have had lots of wrestling, giggling, dancing and singing and look forward to many more memories of summertime childhood.

Some of my fondest memories with cousins are summer visits, camping, water fun, playing sports, playing on the farm.  I tend to take lots of pictures to capture these memories and make photo albums of family members so that our children are familiar with family members, it reinforces the memories created and becomes a precious keepsake for our kids.

What are some of the ways you foster cousin relationships with your tween?  Do you find the same magic and “power” in family relationships?

This past week we took a spontaneous trip with friends to visit our mutual friends in the DC area.  It was fun, educational, and SPONTANEOUS!  My tween especially loved how I woke up one morning and said, we are leaving a few days earlier to maximize the time and visit.  I think it’s important for children to learn to love spontaneity and to learn that the only thing constant is change.  Change is a hard concept to understand and appreciate, especially when you are looking forward to something.

We packed our combined suitcase and said goodbye to Dad and were off.  Knowing that there are many people we knew in the area and that we wouldn’t have a car once there, we went with no expectations.  We had late night talks, ran errands, saw some of our friends’ new found favorites, shared in special memories and have no regrets!

The best part of spontaneous trips and friends are the memories created!  We were all able to be together and it was truly like time hasn’t past.  Another benefit was the realization how military friends truly are like family.  It was so hard leaving.  My tween had a blast having “sleepovers” since we stayed with friends.  My son loved seeing a boy friend since he tends to be surrounded by girls.  (although he is not opposed to that either:))  I got some “mom time” and reconnected with several friends, including one from middle school/high school.

With the spontaneous trip we were able to also visit the Marine Corps Museum with an expert tour guide.  My children loved the museum and exploring a little bit more of our military heritage.  Since my children’s father was unable to accompany us, my children were “adopted” by other marine fathers who were with us.

What type of spontaneous summer fun have you had?  Any last minute summer plans?