One thing I felt inadequately prepared for when I left for college was homework habits.  Yes, I had completed assignments, made the grades, and made it to college…but with diagnosed test anxiety.  I had a few coping skills, but felt overwhelmed leaving home and being in a new state at a huge university and now being left to my own devices to create homework habits.  For this reason, I have tried really hard to teach my children tips for creating healthy homework habits and strategies.

Although school just started, my tween has found herself with homework.  Knowing that she has limited time, she has discovered how to make her quantity into quality to maximize the things she would like to do…dance and spend time with her family and play a little before bedtime.  Here are some healthy homework habits that we have discovered that maximizes our time together:

* Doing homework at the dining room table and with a proper chair for posture while I make dinner.

* Removing distractions- no music or TV is allowed on.  Since siblings can be distracting I have my Kindergartner doing workbooks “homework” at the same time and my toddler is in the kitchen in a high chair “mixing” flour to help “cook.”

* Making sure they have gone to the bathroom & snacked before sitting down for homework.

* Reviewing what they need to do and answering questions prior to them beginning.

I have also used a variety of the listed coping methods with my children, from this site: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/healthy-study-habits-for-students/ .

Homework doesn’t have to be dreaded or a hassle.  It can become family time and a continuation of the lessons that their teachers have begun.  Even when homework isn’t assigned, we have our daughter read out loud to us while we cook so that she can practice her reading, verbal and expressive skills.  When a child has gotten discouraged with tests or homework it is important to discuss what’s going on.  Since all children learn differently and schools tend to cater to the majority, your child may legitimately not be understanding what is taught.  By catching something like this early on, you can possibly avoid heartache, bad attitude, the desire to quit or an attack of your tween’s self esteem.

What homework habits does your family have that you have found helpful?

Editor’s note: Sarah Moore is a featured blogger on CuddleBugs. She’ll be posting a two-part series this week on TweenBeat.

If you are just tuning in, please read Part One of my story here.

So where did my husband and I go wrong?  What happened?  I need someone or something to blame but I’m running in circles right now trying to find an answer where there might be none.

I know that her mother and father did not get along while they were married and had an especially ugly divorce and custody fight. Could that be it?  I just don’t know and Marissa had a hard time communicating with us about why she behaved in this way.

I considered the possibility of getting her some counseling but my husband is strongly against this, as if it would be admitting there might be something wrong with her, or even us, but I see it as a way to help this confused 11-year old confront her issues.

We spoke with Marissa on this topic and what she had done for a long time that night, and well into the weekend.  We tried to make her connect her actions and words to the whys and hows of the situation.  I even made her read the note aloud so she would hear how ugly those words were.  I showed her articles about recent bullying instances and the devastating results for the victims, such as suicide, failing school, school shootings, etc.

She was in tears during some of this, but I could not stop until she understood this was not a harmless joke.  Even telling the child she didn’t want to be his friend was mean, but then what she had written was despicable.

We asked Marissa to write apology notes to her teacher, to the child the note was directed at, and most importantly, to God.  We also have been praying more and reading the Bible together more as a family.  I am trying to find the positive in all this, so hopefully she has learned a valuable lesson.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.  Any thoughts on counseling?

Editor’s note: Sarah Moore is a featured blogger on CuddleBugs. She’ll be posting a two-part series this week on TweenBeat.

For those of you who don’t know me, I used to teach at an alternative school in the area, so I have a lot of experience with negative childhood behaviors, including bullying.

Usually the students would act out for reasons such as anger issues, various problems stemming from childhood, abuse, neglect, you name it.  We were trained in how to react and respond to these children and help them deal with what was going on with them.  Different methods seemed to help each child, and eventually I learned many ways to do so.  So why can’t I use this experience and training in my own household?

I never in a million years thought that I would see some of this disrespectful and downright hateful behavior from my own stepdaughter.  Marissa is a very intelligent, creative, and thoughtful person.  She has not been abused, neglected, or anything like that, so where did this all come from?

Apparently she was part of a group of kids that wrote a particularly nasty note to another child, telling him that they no longer wanted to be his friend.  Marissa was the author of said note, and even though she wrote it down it while someone else dictated it, in my book she is just as guilty as the rest of the group.

Marissa tried to defend her actions by telling us that the child was being mean to her and her friends and telling them they were stupid and to shut up, but we did not entertain that at all.  It is NEVER OK to hurt someones feelings, regardless of why, and I thought she knew this.

You may be reading this thinking, kids will be kids, but I am not finished yet.  In the letter there was some name-calling and some choice words, such as “gay.”  So guess what?  This “innocent” note just turned into a hate crime.

When I read this my heart broke, seeing what Marissa had done.  As Christians my husband and I believe that homosexuality is wrong, but our way of dealing with this is to love others even if we disagree with their lifestyles!  Never is it condoned to bully others and call them names, whether they are different than us or not.

To be continued…More on Thursday.

Have any of your kids either been the victim of bullying or the bully?  How did you handle this?

My daughter’s ballet recital was this past weekend and it was a  culmination of learning, exercise and fun from the past year.  Watching her go through the gamet of emotions brought back many memories for myself, including being excited, nervous and mostly excited. 

We had decided that our children needed to pick one activity outside of home and school.  We use to let them do whatever they showed an interest in, however, with the expenses of three children, time constraints and commitment involved and to alleviate stress, we decided that one chosen activity would suffice.  My daughter picked ballet after taking a break for three years from dancing.  We are so glad that she did as we knew the benefits it would have on her. 

Our philosophy may be different, but it works for our family.  When my husband was deployed, we were more involved because it was a sanity saver.  However, now that he is home, that many activities would be a home breaker.  Evenings are the only time we have together.  The kids have two hours maximum to see their dad before bedtime and the routine starting over.  We have learned that by limiting our “outside” activities and commitments, we have been able to maintain a level of peace within our family life.  It is nice not to have schedules.  Many of these things we learned from ballet.

Ballet is classical, traditional and slower in nature.  It is structured and refined.  This is especially important for my daughter and I who both have ADD/ADHD.  The benefits are amazing as she is able to calm down with the music and focus on learning the dance positions.  She has a hard time remembering all the French names, but tries very hard.  I have watched as she practices being “transported to a different place.”  In her dance world, my daughter is relaxed, happy and able to de-stress.   It’s almost like I can see her visualizing herself in a famous ballet. 

There are many benefits for extracurricular sports and activities.  As parents we need to make sure that our children are enjoying them.  We need to make sure the schedule is not stressing us out as that affects the children.  We also need to be the ones to make sure we are not “forcing” a certain stereotype or over scheduling our children.  Children need time to do nothing and to play. 

Here are the main benefits we discovered with ballet: 

1. Discipline

2. Grace, strength and control

3. Flexibility

4. Great exercise

5. Better posture

6. Outlet for personal expression

7. Listening and memory skills

8. Body awareness

9. Spatial awareness

10. Fun

11. Long-term goal setting

12. Friendships

What activities do your tweens pariticipate in?  What have been the benefits for your child and family?  Is being over scheduled a concern? 

Mini is 9 years old. That means that she’s hanging around other 9ish year olds. And other 9 year olds don’t necessarily have parents that take such an interest in what they watch on the television or hear on the radio as AM and I do, which means they may have more exposure to foul language and then expose Mini to it.

Mini has heard curse words before. She’s even heard them from me. But I try very hard to use more…humorous than offensive words (son of a biscuit, for example.)

When she was younger, maybe 3 or 4, a very funny thing happened. I was driving from Swansboro to Wilmington and had gotten about five miles from home when I realized I left my wallet at home. I uttered a word that I didn’t think Mini heard and coincidentally rhymed with the large truck that was passing by Mini’s window. I turned the car around, got my wallet and carried on with the trip without further incident. Months later, with Mini’s mother and my in-laws in the car with Mini and me, a large truck rolled by Mini’s window. So she thought she’d let everyone in the car know…”Look, that’s a big [insert word that rhymes with, but isn’t, truck]!” Not my best example of parenting, but we’re supposed to learn from each other, right?

The only saving grace from that event is that Mini had no idea what she was saying. She had heard me mumble the word as a large truck rumbled past and connected those dots. She repeated it, thinking it was another word for truck. Interestingly, she’s never made the connection since, even though there weren’t histrionics over it.

The point is this: Kids are going to be exposed to foul language, from their friends or their parents or the television. All we can do is educate them that those words, even if we sometimes use them, are often not the best to use. They can make us appear uneducated and unintelligent at best and rude at worst.

Have you had language problems with your tweens? How did you tackle them? Leave your ideas, questions and suggestions in the comments.