Editor’s note: Sarah Moore is a featured blogger on CuddleBugs. She’ll be posting a two-part series this week on TweenBeat.

If you are just tuning in, please read Part One of my story here.

So where did my husband and I go wrong?  What happened?  I need someone or something to blame but I’m running in circles right now trying to find an answer where there might be none.

I know that her mother and father did not get along while they were married and had an especially ugly divorce and custody fight. Could that be it?  I just don’t know and Marissa had a hard time communicating with us about why she behaved in this way.

I considered the possibility of getting her some counseling but my husband is strongly against this, as if it would be admitting there might be something wrong with her, or even us, but I see it as a way to help this confused 11-year old confront her issues.

We spoke with Marissa on this topic and what she had done for a long time that night, and well into the weekend.  We tried to make her connect her actions and words to the whys and hows of the situation.  I even made her read the note aloud so she would hear how ugly those words were.  I showed her articles about recent bullying instances and the devastating results for the victims, such as suicide, failing school, school shootings, etc.

She was in tears during some of this, but I could not stop until she understood this was not a harmless joke.  Even telling the child she didn’t want to be his friend was mean, but then what she had written was despicable.

We asked Marissa to write apology notes to her teacher, to the child the note was directed at, and most importantly, to God.  We also have been praying more and reading the Bible together more as a family.  I am trying to find the positive in all this, so hopefully she has learned a valuable lesson.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.  Any thoughts on counseling?

Editor’s note: Sarah Moore is a featured blogger on CuddleBugs. She’ll be posting a two-part series this week on TweenBeat.

For those of you who don’t know me, I used to teach at an alternative school in the area, so I have a lot of experience with negative childhood behaviors, including bullying.

Usually the students would act out for reasons such as anger issues, various problems stemming from childhood, abuse, neglect, you name it.  We were trained in how to react and respond to these children and help them deal with what was going on with them.  Different methods seemed to help each child, and eventually I learned many ways to do so.  So why can’t I use this experience and training in my own household?

I never in a million years thought that I would see some of this disrespectful and downright hateful behavior from my own stepdaughter.  Marissa is a very intelligent, creative, and thoughtful person.  She has not been abused, neglected, or anything like that, so where did this all come from?

Apparently she was part of a group of kids that wrote a particularly nasty note to another child, telling him that they no longer wanted to be his friend.  Marissa was the author of said note, and even though she wrote it down it while someone else dictated it, in my book she is just as guilty as the rest of the group.

Marissa tried to defend her actions by telling us that the child was being mean to her and her friends and telling them they were stupid and to shut up, but we did not entertain that at all.  It is NEVER OK to hurt someones feelings, regardless of why, and I thought she knew this.

You may be reading this thinking, kids will be kids, but I am not finished yet.  In the letter there was some name-calling and some choice words, such as “gay.”  So guess what?  This “innocent” note just turned into a hate crime.

When I read this my heart broke, seeing what Marissa had done.  As Christians my husband and I believe that homosexuality is wrong, but our way of dealing with this is to love others even if we disagree with their lifestyles!  Never is it condoned to bully others and call them names, whether they are different than us or not.

To be continued…More on Thursday.

Have any of your kids either been the victim of bullying or the bully?  How did you handle this?

All month we’ve been talking about blended families.  While it takes time for both children and adults to adjust to new circumstances, sometimes challenges can arise that go above and beyond day-to-day behavior. If your tween is continually depressed or teary, they may have an adjustment disorder.

An adjustment disorder is defined as an emotional or behavioral reaction to an identifiable stressful event or change in a person’s life that is considered maladaptive or somehow not an expected healthy response to the event or change. The reaction must occur within three months of the identified stressful event or change happening. The identifiable stressful event or change in the life of a child or adolescent may be a family move, parental divorce or separation, the loss of a pet, birth of a brother or sister, to name a few.

What causes adjustment disorders?

Adjustment disorders are a reaction to stress. There is not a single direct cause between the stressful event and the reaction. Children and adolescents vary in their temperament, past experiences, vulnerability, and coping skills. Their developmental stage and the capacity of their support system to meet their specific needs related to the stress are factors that may contribute to their reaction to a particular stress. Stressors also vary in duration, intensity, and effect. No evidence is available to suggest a specific biological factor that causes adjustment disorders.

Who is affected by adjustment disorders?

Adjustment disorders are quite common in children and adolescents. They occur equally in males and females. While adjustment disorders occur in all cultures, the stressors and the signs may vary based on cultural influences. Adjustment disorders occur at all ages, however, it is believed that characteristics of the disorder are different in children and adolescents than they are in adults. Differences are noted in the symptoms experienced, severity and duration of symptoms, and in the outcome. Adolescent symptoms of adjustment disorders are more behavioral such as acting out, while adults experience more depressive symptoms.

What are the symptoms of an adjustment disorder?

In all adjustment disorders, the reaction to the stressor seems to be in excess of a normal reaction, or the reaction significantly interferes with social or occupational (educational) functioning. There are six subtypes of adjustment disorder that are based on the type of the major symptoms experienced. The following are the most common symptoms of each of the subtypes of adjustment disorder. However, each child may experience symptoms differently.

Read OHealthy’s article on “Adjustment Disorders” to learn about symptoms and more.

All month we’ve been discussing the issues surrounding a blended family. Complex issues, such as divorce, can also trigger other deeper emotional issues. In times such as that, parents and children might find it helpful to talk to a therapist.

We all need someone to talk with now and then. At times, friends and family will do. But, if you’re struggling with strong emotions, a troubled relationship, depression, or other mental health issues, a sympathetic ear may not be enough. You may need to try psychotherapy, or “talk therapy” with a mental health professional.

Talk therapy helps people gain insight into and resolve their problems through discussions with the therapist. This is sometimes combined with “homework” assignments between sessions.

What therapists do

Depending on your goals and the therapist’s approach, he or she may ask about your childhood, your relationships, or your thoughts and feelings. Early on, you’ll do most of the talking. These conversations help your therapist help you:

• Define what you hope to accomplish, such as overcoming a phobia or coping with a loss, and make a plan for doing it
• Learn more about your situation and how to deal with it
• Identify triggers that cause symptoms such as anxiety
• Kick unhealthy coping habits, such as alcohol or drug use
• Deal better with crises

Visit OHealthy to learn more about “The Word on Talk Therapy.”

Have you been helped by talking to a therapist? Share your story below.

With most blended families sharing children over the holiday season, sometimes separation anxiety can arise in children.

The prospect of new experiences away from their parents or other loved ones can be quite frightening for children. The complaint of an upset stomach, headache, or some other ailment the night before or the morning of the day of the event is probably the most classic sign of apprehension. These worries are a normal part of development for all children, and your child can be expected to exhibit similar symptoms to a certain degree.

Anxiety can occur whenever you anticipate some sort of separation from the parents or other loved ones – say, a sleepover at a friend’s house, or a parent’s business trip. Symptoms can range from mild uneasiness to full-blown panic attacks. Your child may express fears that something bad, such as an accident or kidnapping, will befall the parent or him or herself. In addition, clingy behavior, pleading, and tantrums are common just before the separation is about to occur. Other possible symptoms of separation anxiety are nightmares, the refusal to sleep alone, and the need for frequent reassurance that everything is OK.

Supportive, yet firm

The best way to deal with your child’s fears is to be supportive, yet firm in enforcing the separation. One thing you could say is “I think you’re feeling nervous.  Tell me what you’re worried about.” Of course, you may discover that the problems causing the anxiety are real.  These problems may range from relatively easy to very difficult to solve. You should address the problem as soon as you learn about it and work toward resolution.

Don’t give in to arguments or tantrums; your child will soon see how that fear is easily exaggerated. Most cases of school separation anxiety are resolved fairly quickly. Children who are more likely to be anxious may have other problems, both current and in later life. Sometimes separation anxiety is a reaction to a recent disruptive event such as the illness or death of a family member or friend, divorce or remarriage, or moving to a new city. Children whose families have histories of panic disorder, phobias, depression or alcoholism may also be more prone to separation anxiety. Parents should contact a pediatrician or child psychiatrist for further assistance if the behavior lasts more than a few days or if the symptoms seem excessive or severe.

To read our treasure trove of medical advice, visit OHealthy.

How are you keeping your child’s anxieties at bay this holiday season? Click on the box below.