In a recent Mom Talk post, fellow blogger Kelly Gump had mentioned mom “cliques.” We all are familiar with being someplace with our child and we are there, but seemingly nonexistent to the other parents.  Or perhaps your tween has been there.  Cliques are a social issue and a fear of most “normal” people.

I have discovered that as the cliche goes, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  Our children model our behavior.  If you have an issue with someone, it usually shines through their child.  Meaning, kids have a harder time deciding or being a judge of character when you have spoken alot about another person negatively or with alot of emotion to others.  Kids want to be loyal to their parents and to their ideals, standards, feelings and values at the tween age.  We may see some breaking away from that as they near the teen stage.  However, in my opinion, when a mom is selective or “clicky,” the children tend to be that way, too.  You cannot change others.  However, it can remind you to self evaluate and make sure the way we speak, react and treat people are with respect and kindness.

“Apparently of Eastern origin, it is frequently used to assert the continuity of family characteristics. Quot. 1839 implies return to one’s original home. Cf. 16th-cent. Ger. der Apfel fellt nicht gerne weit vom Baume, the apple does not usually fall far from the tree. Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/the-apple-never-falls-far-from-the-tree#ixzz19rWzjlF6”

I found a rather humorous blog post at Bellyitch that a woman wrote about “you know you’re a snobby mom  if…”  You can read it here. The funny thing is that we all probably can relate with one or more of these.  Only read if you have a sense of humor.

I know that I have often felt as the one on the outs, but with that being said I also know I tend to be quieter and reserved among groups I’m not completely comfortable with.  So, I may be doing it to myself a bit too.  Although I’m not always in “presentation” mode either.  I hope I teach my kids to reserve judgment, that there are always two sides to every story, when in doubt, ask questions and we are not always right in our assessments.  I guess it comes back to the Golden Rule and treat others as you would like to be treated.  There will always be cliques and those who think they know best.  As for me, I will choose wisely where and with whom I spend time with, this is ultimately what I want my children to learn too.

How do you handle cliques?  Has your tween mentioned “cliques” or feeling left out?  Have you as a parent felt excluded?

Have you ever run into other moms who act more like their kids? What can you do when dealing with moms who are so immature?  Watch my latest video post and please share your thoughts!

Tween years are now just as hard as teen years.  Our tweens face the ridicule of their peers when they get glasses, braces, mono-brows or hit puberty.  More and more kids are asking for contacts, teeth whiteners, and help with plucking unwanted hair.  I don’t remember at my age even being aware that my leg hair was getting longer or that I may have a mono-brow.  My tween has introduced me to a very self-aware and self conscious society.

Is it normal? Or shall I say, is this the new normal? Kids are brutal. They point things out. They vocalize more. They see more “teen” issues on TV which raises their awareness of these issues.  Are we contributing as adults to with negative self talk about ourselves?

I remember getting my glasses, I was so excited, I wanted them. Then, I got called four eyes.  Death wish. I remember getting braces and thinking it was kinda cool, until I was called metal mouth. I remember hitting puberty and having this big red dot on my face, I wanted to hide when someone called me zit face. My tween has entered these years of awkwardness. Socially you want to remain under the radar so to speak. It’s better to be invisible than not.

The best way to combat this…communication!  I have been reassuring my daughter that awkward stages happen to all of us. I remind her to look at me, a mid thirty year old with my occasional hormonal facial flare up…zits.  I also remind her that it occurs when my hormones are out of whack and that I need to be aware and more diligent about keeping my face clean, etc.  I still wear glasses and sometimes prefer them to my contacts.  It’s about how you carry yourself.  It’s about confidence.  It’s about loving yourself.

Everyone goes through awkward stages and it’s up to us to remember to be sensitive to our growing and changing tweens.  The more they know, the more prepared they are.  They also become more empathetic and sympathetic as I recently discovered from my tween.  Apparently a girl was getting picked on at school and my daughter stuck up for her realizing that she had started puberty…at school, away from mom, unprepared and unaware.  My daughter stuck up for her and made the others back off.  I’m glad we continue to have “the talk” with her as it will prepare her for so many more stages of awkwardness, which hopefully she can and will take in stride.

How do you teach your tween to love and accept themselves?  Have you had to address any of the awkward stages of growth yet?  Tips?

Recently in our Mother Daughter Book Club we were able to meet a Duke grad/NC Author, Christy English.   Although her historical fiction books were not appropriate for the girls this age, she suggested a book to read for that particular month that had an impact on her when she was around 11 or 12 years of age.  It was the Caldecott book, The Hero and the Crown, by Robin McKinley.

This was such a neat experience for my tween and the two other girls who were able to attend.  My tween loves to read and write and being able to talk to a published author was very exciting.  Although the girls did not like the genre of book choosen, we were able to talk about why she liked it as it had a female heroine.  We talked of other books they read that they felt had a female heroine in it.

Questions ensued about when she first started writing, did she keep her writings, how she started the whole process, why the genre she writes about, etc.  The mothers were just as curious and had questions about the whole process and it was fascinating.  It was good to have the girls realize that the authors behind the books are real people and have gifts given to them with words.  Even Christy said, “it is like the characters picked me to be their voice and tell their story.”

When we started this book club two years ago, we had no idea of outstretching benefits the girls would have.  Many thought it was social.  However, it has become one of learning of different genres of books, getting to know people more and their interests, it has been learning of different historical periods, it has been enhanced reading and analytical skills, it has been progressed AR skills, it has been amazing.  It has allowed my daughter and I another connection of sharing and fills a void in my life that I once had in book clubs prior to children.  It has given me a renewed appreciation for reading and books.

Have you ever taken your child to meet an author or illustrator?  Have you had a chance to meet an author?  Have you ever dreamt of writing a book?

This past weekend my tween performed in the Nutcracker.  She had not planned on participating and did not audition.  Why?  Rude peer remarks “scared” her from auditioning.  What changed her mind?  An encouraging friend.  The Director was very willing to put her in where she could fit her, however, it did not showcase my tween’s true skills.  My daughter learned many lessons from participating in such a large production.

Saturday was her last performance even though the cast performed Sunday.  We have taught our children to observe the Sabbath on Sunday and it is our family day together.  We were supportive of her decision.  About a week ago, our tween, unsolicited, went to her Director and explained that she did not feel right about performing on Sunday.  I was proud of her decision that she came to and was ready and willing to support either way.  She learned how to stand up for her beliefs.  The Director was very gracious and said “good for you, it will be fine.”  My tween learned a lesson that took me many years to gain the strength and  courage to do. So, if she does audition next year and gets a bigger part, an understudy will have to be in the making.

Lessons Learned:

1.  Do not let peer comments sway you.  Not everyone is kind and by listening and giving in, you are letting them “win.”

2.  No part is too small or insignificant.  Some of the most work was done by those back stage who go unrecognized.

3.  Sometimes by living with the consequence of not auditioning, a seed is planted to desire something more and be willing to take that chance and audition.

4.  After everything is said and done, it is a lot of time, sacrifice, etc.  Yet, time management was learned, appreciation for family time and skills were acquired.

5.  Friends have the power to influence…. choose wisely.

6.  Honesty is the best policy.

Have your tweens learned life lessons participating in extracurricular activities?  What were they?