This week, Onslow’s Maternal/Child Case Manager Suzie McCabe wrote a two-part series on the problem of child abuse in Onslow County. Today we want to talk about why spanking is not discipline.

How long has it been since Mom or Dad swatted your bottom for getting into trouble? Probably decades, back when setting kids straight often involved spanking. These days, child-rearing experts, including the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), urge better and safer ways of discipline.

“Spanking in general teaches children what not to do and doesn’t teach them what to do instead,” says Judith Myers-Walls, Ph.D., associate professor of child development and family studies at Purdue University.

Corporal punishment can do harm. Very young children are easily injured, especially by parents with poor self-control or who don’t understand limits. Following physical discipline, older kids can become more aggressive toward peers. Studies show that once children who have been spanked reach adulthood, they are more likely to become depressed, have suicidal thoughts, fare poorly in school and abuse drugs.

Find out why

Dr. Myers-Walls suggests you try to learn why your child is acting up. For example, spanking your child for biting other kids may just stop the biting for now. Instead, get to the root of the problem by thinking about why your child is biting other kids. Could your child feel frustrated? Could biting be because other children are biting him or her? Teach your child to vent frustration using words. Instead of biting, your child can learn to say, “I don’t like it when you do that.” At the same time, explain why biting isn’t acceptable.

Children are often naughty because they want your attention, says Barbara Howard, M.D., assistant professor of pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University. This is an ideal occasion for a time-out, which shows children you’ll ignore them if they act up. Have them sit alone for 15 seconds to 15 minutes, depending on age, to send that message.

Time out is a passive non-corporal “punishment” that immediately separates the child from the undesirable activity. It also separates the child from the companionship of other children or family and shows the child that both friends and family object to the misbehavior. The benefit is that time out cannot physically injure the child and helps instill a desire in the child to behave well. Time out is widely accepted as a safe mode of discipline for young children.

On the flip side of discipline, it’s vital to praise children and give them attention when they do something good.

“The combination of a good relationship, plenty of attention, plenty of playfulness and warmth are important to make it work,” Dr. Howard says.

To read tips on how to discipline your child, visit OHealthy’s article on discipline.

Understanding child development can help you strengthen your parenting skills.

 

Note: This is part two of a series about child abuse in Onslow County. For part one, click here.

We, a community of colleagues, parents, family, friends and neighbors – do not accept the statistics of child abuse.

What can we do? We are dismayed as to why children are abused. We ask – who could or would do such a thing?

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to this question. Abusers aren’t the scary monsters we envision. Sadly, they can be a neighbor, a friend, and a co-worker. What we do know is that child abuse is more likely to occur when parents are struggling from:

• Stress
• Pressures
• A difficult or painful childhood
• Addictions
• Feelings of isolation
• Unrealistic expectations of children

The greatest gift we can offer to families who are at risk or in crisis is our time and our listening ears – to hear them and get to know their struggles. We must recognize their challenges as reality, and personally model positive parenting practices in our community.

I know each of us has wondered: Is it really my business to place my nose where it doesn’t belong? If we are committed to making a difference for kids – it is our business.

It shouldn’t hurt to be a child; this we acknowledge with passion. But it shouldn’t hurt to be a parent either!

Five Protective Factors

Its basic common sense that when protective factors are in place and are strong – abuse and neglect diminish. Research supports five protective factors known to strengthen families:

1. Parental resilience
2. Social connections
3. Knowledge of parenting and child development
4. Concrete support in times of need
5. Social and emotional development of children

We must continue our work connecting our resources. We are all players in this reality show. If your work can be described by one of these five protective factors – connect with other resources in the community and, let’s make it happen!

Suzie McCabe is a Maternal-Child Case Manager for Onslow Memorial Hospital.

Suzie McCabe spoke at the Child Abuse Vigil held at Onslow Memorial Hospital in October.

NOTE: This is the first part of a two-part series on the topic of child abuse

“It shouldn’t hurt to be a child” was the key message at the Fifth Annual Child Abuse Vigil at Onslow Memorial Hospital held in October.

Onslow County has historically ranked as one of the highest in child-abuse rates in the state. Officials say that’s primarily because the county is also the youngest county in North Carolina, with a median age of 23.

There were a total of 388 reported cases of child abuse in Onslow County in 2008. These numbers have declined drastically from the thousands since Onslow Memorial Hospital started hosting the Vigil.

As the Maternal/Child Case Manager for Onslow Memorial Hospital, I was asked to speak at the vigil and share my views on parenting and how I help educate parents about this important issue.

Bill Cosby said it well: “Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: Each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.”

Parenting . . . My, how some things have changed. The other day I found myself sending a text message from downstairs to my 15-year-old son to come to dinner. When I was his age, dinner was ready when mom hollered your name in a low octave that clearly meant – come now or else!

My 9-year-old daughter asked me for her own laptop for Christmas. She intellectually pointed out that mine was infested with viruses and runs way too slow. When I was her age, I earned my first diary with a lock and discovered that Pop Rocks mixed with soda made your nostrils feel strange.

My 7-year-old son, the appointed innocent family comedian, leaves me notes dictating the items he would like me to pack for his lunch, still wears the clothes I lay out for him in the morning, and publicly asks questions like: “Mom, does Santa wear a bra?” When I was his age, I rode a bike with no helmet, faithfully bathed my pet rock, and informed my younger sister she was adopted since she had blonde hair. Yes – she believed me, and yes – I was in trouble.

Times have changed! Parenting is the real reality show, and these are the realities of our everyday lives. But not all our moments are comical or easy. There are real struggles; real challenges that place parenting as a contender for the TV show “The World’s Dirtiest Jobs.”

I think of my children each moment of every day. As parents, we may question whether we do our best to show our children we love them and that they are first in all we do, even when we’re away. We often wonder if, at the end of our day, we have wasted too much time worrying about who we may have let down at work instead of really listening to our children, kissing a forehead goodnight, or spending time to admire their 100^th drawing of a beaver with wings. I tell myself a million times – I don’t want to miss a moment and then wonder how I’ve missed so many already.

So let’s put this in perspective. We are moms and dads — proud titles we were assigned at the time of our child’s birth and about which we have learned of the significance through the years. Some of us are new, some experienced, and some trying to retire and just enjoy being grandparents. We will never know all there is to know about parenting, but each of us knows something. If we pull all these somethings together – we just may have everything we need as a community to support one another.

Part two of the series will be published on Wednesday, Dec. 16.