Is there a difference between frenemy, arch nemesis or a bully?  Maybe, maybe not.  All have a long term effect on a child’s life and often into adulthood.  I recently watched You Again.  Funny movie, but the reality of how cruel classmates can be and how long lasting the effects were obvious.  I guess I was lucky and I didn’t have a bully.  I do know they exist and I know they can make life awful.  I worry for my children.  I worry that children are becoming more desensitized to cruelty and meanness.

Why has frenemy, arch nemesis and bully become accepted behavior and commonly accepted words?  Should our kids really have to “toughen” up?  Do we really have to tell our kids, “Don’t let it get to you.”  Is this healthy?  NO!  Every person should be able to feel safe and good about themselves.  Bullying does not have to be accepted as “normal” in growing up.  Does it exist?  Yes.  Is it commonplace?  Perhaps.  What exactly is bullying?

PBS television station wrote the following about the subject:

“Physical bullying means:

• Hitting, kicking, or pushing someone…or even just threatening to do it
• Stealing, hiding or ruining someone’s things
• Making someone do things he or she don’t want to do

Verbal bullying means:

• Name-calling
• Teasing
• Insulting

Relationship bullying means:

• Refusing to talk to someone
• Spreading lies or rumors about someone
• Making someone do things he or she doesn’t want to do

What do all these things have in common? They’re examples of ways one person can make another person feel hurt, afraid, or uncomfortable. When these are done to someone more than once, and usually over and over again for a long period of time, that’s bullying.

The reason why one kid would want to bully another kid is this: when you make someone feel bad, you gain power over him or her. Power makes people feel like they’re better than another person, and then that makes them feel really good about themselves. Power also makes you stand out from the crowd. It’s a way to get attention from other kids, and even from adults.”

Who are bullies?  It can be “friends”, family, classmates, teammates, “the kid who has it all,” taller, shorter, etc.  They all have this in common:  they are people who someone else or something is making them feel inferior so they are picking on someone else to feel important or validated.

How do you deal with bullies?  What do you teach your children about bullies?  Ideas?

My daughter was recently selected to be one of three representatives for her grade and school for the state Science Fair.  Although she was relieved and semi-excited, the first things she expressed was that she was sad that her friends didn’t all get selected too.  Then she recounted how some of the kids pouted, wouldn’t talk to her or kept making comments about not winning themselves.  My daughter felt badly.  I thought it was a good time to discuss attitude and sportsmanship. No one likes to “lose” or feel like their efforts go unnoticed.  So, how do we as parents teach our children to do their best and let everything else happen how it will?.

Here are some things I have learned either as a parent or a coach from observations of myself, other parents and children.

1.  Be a good role model…with your child and team, as well as opponents.  Find the positive and focus on that.  Teach your child to be complimentary and sensitive to how the other may feel.

2.  Be honest with yourself…sometimes we as parents have other agendas or intentions to involve our child in a sport or push in an activity. Our children’s involvement in an activity should not be driven by us as parents.

3.  Create the rules. We create the rules for our own children.  If you see your child not being a good sport and notice a coach not catching it, wait until after practice or the event and talk about it.  It is our responsibility to address misbehavior and sometimes we need to stand up and talk privately with coaches or parents who may not be following good sportsmanship rules.

4.  Watch and learn.  When watching a sport or event look for teachable moments and engage your child with open-ended questions about how they would handle that situation.  Do more listening than lecturing.

As families we are constantly surrounded by opportunities to teach our children and learn new things ourselves.  Our attitudes and how we focus or react to circumstances ultimately is what is teaching our tweens.   I’m grateful to have had the chance to talk to my daughter about how different kids reacted to the announcement of the Science Fair.  I think she has a clearer perspective that we can’t change others, but how we act is the only thing we can control.

What are your tips in teaching good sportsmanship?

Every mom’s dilemma…what to buy as birthday gifts for tweens.  We live in a world where are kids are blessed with not only homes, food, clothes, but also a plethora of “stuff.”  So, what do you get for all the birthday parties that our kids are invited to?  My daughter recently remarked that she was the only person to have brought a gift, everyone else brought cards and cash.  I asked if she felt badly that we hadn’t done the same, it would be easier, right?  She told me that she liked giving a present to open.

So, how much do you spend?  I searched high and low on blogs, mom boards, etc.  The most sage advice I read was $1 per year the child is turning in combination with how well you know the child.  I also saw that people suggested craft kits or something you can make since you can never have too many rainy day craft kits.  With the amount of parties we are invited to, another suggestion was teaming up with another mom and buying a gift together for your kids to give the birthday child.

Being a mother of 2 school aged children, we have had 5 parties already this month.  This is in addition to family birthdays.  With the economy, why not give a coupon for a play date.  Then use the money you would have spent when it is redeemed to take your kids and their friends to a movie, or on an outing.  Hit the clearance and stock up after Christmas, is a great time to get craft kits, toys, games, etc. at a very discounted rate and it will save you the mad rush to go get a present. (which usually makes us late for the party any way.:))

I also believe you shouldn’t feel like you have to go to every party your child is invited to.  We usually leave it up to our child if they would like to go.  Then it depends on where the party is and how well we know them if it is at someone’s house.  We have established a “safety” with sending our child with a cell phone to call if they become uncomfortable or want to leave early.  We have already established a no sleepover policy so that has eliminated some of those “parent” issues we may face.

How do you handle birthday parties and presents with your tweens?

It’s another vacation day.  You know the routine: we get up earlier than we’d ike for “vacation,” the kids are playing nicely for a while, you eat breakfast and then, it hits!  The spat!  Siblings love and hate each other.  They notice every little thing and detail.  Who got more presents, who gets more attention, who got more dessert and then the wheels in their little heads start to turn and they fuel a fight.  It’s a mother’s typical day and nightmare.  It’s something that I know I wish I could know exactly how to handle.  As for now, I have found the best way is to let them resolve it on their own.

Siblings have their disagreements which is normal.  However, it sometimes can become extreme.  I have noticed that it occurs with or without age spans and can come and go with the drop of a hat.  My children have a love-hate relationship, but they are each other’s biggest fans and defenders.

How do you aid in having healthy sibling relationships?

We have found that having your children work together may seem difficult as first, but is often worth the extra effort and time involved.  Children need responsibility and opportunities to rely on each other and to succeed together and not be at competition with each other.  Experts agree that the way we present relationships are crucial at teaching our children life skills and relationship skills.

With the holiday breaks and the more time left at home together, siblings may be encountering more spats than normal.  They may be envious of each others gifts, time spent together, friends, etc.  Of course, they also notice where mom’s attention is divided and that also becomes difficult to gauge.  I have been noticing that allowing my children their space, privacy is just as important to their togetherness.

What do you do when siblings fight?  Do you engage, resolve, or leave them to work it out?

Tween years are now just as hard as teen years.  Our tweens face the ridicule of their peers when they get glasses, braces, mono-brows or hit puberty.  More and more kids are asking for contacts, teeth whiteners, and help with plucking unwanted hair.  I don’t remember at my age even being aware that my leg hair was getting longer or that I may have a mono-brow.  My tween has introduced me to a very self-aware and self conscious society.

Is it normal? Or shall I say, is this the new normal? Kids are brutal. They point things out. They vocalize more. They see more “teen” issues on TV which raises their awareness of these issues.  Are we contributing as adults to with negative self talk about ourselves?

I remember getting my glasses, I was so excited, I wanted them. Then, I got called four eyes.  Death wish. I remember getting braces and thinking it was kinda cool, until I was called metal mouth. I remember hitting puberty and having this big red dot on my face, I wanted to hide when someone called me zit face. My tween has entered these years of awkwardness. Socially you want to remain under the radar so to speak. It’s better to be invisible than not.

The best way to combat this…communication!  I have been reassuring my daughter that awkward stages happen to all of us. I remind her to look at me, a mid thirty year old with my occasional hormonal facial flare up…zits.  I also remind her that it occurs when my hormones are out of whack and that I need to be aware and more diligent about keeping my face clean, etc.  I still wear glasses and sometimes prefer them to my contacts.  It’s about how you carry yourself.  It’s about confidence.  It’s about loving yourself.

Everyone goes through awkward stages and it’s up to us to remember to be sensitive to our growing and changing tweens.  The more they know, the more prepared they are.  They also become more empathetic and sympathetic as I recently discovered from my tween.  Apparently a girl was getting picked on at school and my daughter stuck up for her realizing that she had started puberty…at school, away from mom, unprepared and unaware.  My daughter stuck up for her and made the others back off.  I’m glad we continue to have “the talk” with her as it will prepare her for so many more stages of awkwardness, which hopefully she can and will take in stride.

How do you teach your tween to love and accept themselves?  Have you had to address any of the awkward stages of growth yet?  Tips?