Is there a difference between frenemy, arch nemesis or a bully?  Maybe, maybe not.  All have a long term effect on a child’s life and often into adulthood.  I recently watched You Again.  Funny movie, but the reality of how cruel classmates can be and how long lasting the effects were obvious.  I guess I was lucky and I didn’t have a bully.  I do know they exist and I know they can make life awful.  I worry for my children.  I worry that children are becoming more desensitized to cruelty and meanness.

Why has frenemy, arch nemesis and bully become accepted behavior and commonly accepted words?  Should our kids really have to “toughen” up?  Do we really have to tell our kids, “Don’t let it get to you.”  Is this healthy?  NO!  Every person should be able to feel safe and good about themselves.  Bullying does not have to be accepted as “normal” in growing up.  Does it exist?  Yes.  Is it commonplace?  Perhaps.  What exactly is bullying?

PBS television station wrote the following about the subject:

“Physical bullying means:

• Hitting, kicking, or pushing someone…or even just threatening to do it
• Stealing, hiding or ruining someone’s things
• Making someone do things he or she don’t want to do

Verbal bullying means:

• Name-calling
• Teasing
• Insulting

Relationship bullying means:

• Refusing to talk to someone
• Spreading lies or rumors about someone
• Making someone do things he or she doesn’t want to do

What do all these things have in common? They’re examples of ways one person can make another person feel hurt, afraid, or uncomfortable. When these are done to someone more than once, and usually over and over again for a long period of time, that’s bullying.

The reason why one kid would want to bully another kid is this: when you make someone feel bad, you gain power over him or her. Power makes people feel like they’re better than another person, and then that makes them feel really good about themselves. Power also makes you stand out from the crowd. It’s a way to get attention from other kids, and even from adults.”

Who are bullies?  It can be “friends”, family, classmates, teammates, “the kid who has it all,” taller, shorter, etc.  They all have this in common:  they are people who someone else or something is making them feel inferior so they are picking on someone else to feel important or validated.

How do you deal with bullies?  What do you teach your children about bullies?  Ideas?

I have posted earlier about my husband and his quest to join the FBI. I have talked about how it has been 10 months since phase I and just now he is on to phase II. It is all a very complicated and time consuming mess to me, but I know he wants it badly so we are working through it. The problem is, with all of this waiting, comes uncertainty and we don’t know where we will be living next fall.

Mind you, if we were young and/or childless it would not be a big deal. We could go with the flow and pick up and move anytime. Of course, that is not our situation. Jake and Sam are transitioning to public school next year. Wherever they start school is where we want them to stay for the year. What worries us is that the way things have gone so far with this process, we may have to be apart for all or part of the year to make this happen. The worst part is we have no way of knowing when we’ll be able to make any kind of decision. Can someone say STRESS?

All of this limbo has also meant I needed to tell my boss that she can’t count on me to return to St Annes as a teacher next year. I can’t tell her yes and they leave her hanging in August if something should happen and we had to move suddenly. Thankfully Jake and Sam are too young to care too much about the details of all of this, but I know they are counting on us to make sure they have stability next school year. That is out #1 goal…..I just hope we can make it happen.

Is anyone else in limbo right now? It is PCS season soon…..are you worried about a possible move and how it will affect your kids?

About this time, for the past two years, I have been filling out school registration paperwork. St Annes opens registration to all current students February 28th. By now I would have all of my forms filled out and checks written to get the boys set for next year. This year is different. The boys will be moving to public school next year and it feels very strange to not be part of the rush to get things in and get two spots.

Jake and Sam can’t stay at St Annes because they would be in the same classroom. Since the school is so small, the 2nd/3rd grade room is a combo room with one teacher. Jake will be in 3rd grade next year and Sam will be in 2nd. I don’t think it would work well to have them together all the time at home AND school so we will be enrolling them in Onslow County Schools. I know some parents would keep them at St Annes if they were in the same situation but it just does not sit right with me.

It will be very new for the boys next year (and me) to go from a class sizes of 10-12 to more like 25, but it is something we need to do. Their days will be longer, the campus much bigger and it won’t feel the same, but I know they will be just fine. Even knowing that, it makes me a little sad to hear all of the other moms at St Annes talk about signing up. To top it off, I will most likely not be teaching there next year either (time to explain that in another post:)). It will be a year of adjustments for all of us, but it is an exciting time too. We’ll see how it goes…..

Did you ever transition from one type of school to another? How did it go?

Here we go again….limbo one more time. As you may know from previous posts, my husband’s career was up in the air for sometime last year. We thought we had things settled…two year orders to keep us here in Jacksonville. Our house went up for sale and we contracted to buy a larger place once this one sold. Our plan was to transition the boys from St Annes to public school next year and we are all content with our decisions. Well…….time to scratch all that and back to square one.

Part of my husband’s career search involved the FBI. He completed phase I and passed. We were told to sit tight so we did….for 8 months. We finally had to move on so we could have some stability and a certain paycheck. Of course, as soon as we had done this the FBI called late in January to ask him to come in for phase II. Luckily for him, he will be able to continue to work where hes is on orders, go interview and then keep working until he hears about the next step. Our issue is that this whole process from phase I to academy can take 2-3 years. We are right in the middle of it now with a house for sale and two school age kids. With no clear direction in site about where we will be next fall…that poses a real problem.

The boys will be making a big change next year from a small, private school (where mom works) to a public school. That will be enough stress…we really don’t need to throw in not knowing where that will be or whether or not we will face a move halfway through the school year. For now, we are just telling the boys things are a bit up in the air but they will be settled soon. I wish I had that confidence deep down. Sadly, for the FBI, I think soon will be months from now.

What would you do in this situation? Would you move the kids halfway through the school year if need be?

I have been lucky to this point. The friends Jake and Sam have had in school or in sports have all been pretty good kids. For the most part they have had manners and were kind to those around them. This year I can’t say the same for one of the kids Jake has be-friended. I don’t know the child very well but I do know he has problems in school and his behavior is not anything I want Jake to emulate.

I never want to be a parent who tells their child who to be friends with. My hope is that the values, ideals and character I build in Jake and Sam will lead them to be surround themselves with the right kind of people. We work hard to talk about behaving in school, respecting adults and working hard to reach their goals. Since the boys are only 6 and 8, I just wonder if they are too young to realize when someone around them is not good for them.

We often watch Super Nanny on TV and the boys are horrified by what they see. There are kids hitting their parents…talking back to them…they are out of control. The boys love to talk about how crazy those kids are and how they can’t believe what they are doing. I see it as a chance to teach the kids what NOT to do, but I know that the boys will meet kids just like that and they just might like them.

I don’t plan to tell Jake he can’t be friends with this boy, but as I have done to this point, I will continue to point out that his behavior is not alright and never will be…for him OR Jake.

Have your kids had friends you did not approve of? What did you do?