I’m so excited!  My daughter recently returned home with a flyer announcing this fantastic program being offered through her school!  It’s called, Girls on the Run!  Check out their website, philosophy, vision and plan!  It’s definitely an attitude of CAN that I want my own daughter to embrace.  The problem…my daughter hates to run!  I’m not surprised, my husband doesn’t prefer it either, I, however, love it!

Dilemma…my husband and I both think this is a fabulous opportunity for her.  Not only for skills, friendships, teamwork, but for self esteem. The program in not just about running.  It is goal oriented.  It is work oriented.  It is people oriented.  It is self awareness oriented and it is about a can do attitude. I often have found myself telling my kids that “can’t” isn’t in their vocabulary, that I think they can.  However, it is mind over body sometimes.  Just like the Little Engine that could.

From their website, they state this about their program:  “Girls on the Run® is a 501(c)3 positive youth development program which combines an interactive curriculum and running to inspire self-respect and healthy lifestyles in pre-teen girls. Our core curriculum addresses many aspects of girls’ development – their physical, emotional, mental and social well-being. Lessons provide girls with the tools to make positive decisions and to avoid risky adolescent behaviors.”
Vision

• To provide life-changing, high quality programs for girls
• To provide life-changing and high quality experiences to the women developing and delivering the programs
• To promote and provide an environment that allows girls and women to reach their full potential
• To positively transform how girls and women perceive themselves and their place in society

Editor’s note: Onslow is a proud community partner of Girls on the Run and recently sponsored one of the 5K events. For more information about GOTR, visit their website.

Is this program being offered at other local schools?  What do you think?  For it or against it?

I recently was reading an article in a journal that quoted Josh McDowell, author of How To Help your Child Say “No” to Sexual Pressure; it read, “Fifty years ago, children averaged three to four hours per day interacting with parents or extended family members.  Today’s children only average about fifteen minutes, and ‘twelve of those are in a setting of critique, instruction or criticism.’”  I was amazed and then reflected about my own time with my children.  After evaluating, I was reminded that I need to make my quantity of time higher quality.  The world knocks us down and as parents we need to build up our tween’s self esteem.  Often comments from peers in jest are taken and internalized and can start to tear our tweens up inside.

Here are some healthy tips for parenting to provide a healthy sense of self esteem.  I found them helpful in our daily routine to integrate them in and look for opportunities to praise the good and be more positive!

• Pass it back: If your tween asks your opinion about an idea or piece of work, ask her first what she thinks are the strong or weaker points. It is important that you gently reject taking sole responsibility for judging something. Praise, instead, her maturing judgment.
• Let them impress you: “That swim was impressive! Terrific! I expect you’re pleased with that.” Showing you’re impressed clears the air of judgment — no ifs or buts to taint the message. Re-affirm that she’s entitled to her independent sense of achievement.
• Praise the effort rather than the result. Trying is important; no child can go further than a certain point without it.
• Offer positive physical contact. Spontaneous hugs, high fives, kisses, smiles, and warm touches also say “well done.”
• Apply the 4:1 formula. Be cautious and prudent before you leap to criticize. It takes four “praises” to undo the damage caused by one harsh criticism. Children will lose motivation if they feel they can do nothing right.
• Appreciate “good enough” success: Let each success be good enough, at least for a while, before setting a new goal. New targets set too soon suggest that no achievement is quite good enough.
• Love your tween for who they are, not for what they can do. Praise the achievement rather than the person. Accept who they are and appreciate what they achieve. Children who feel a parent’s approval is conditional on them doing very well can become unhappy perfectionists and eventually burn out.
• Use the five ‘E’ words: Encourage competence and optimism; endorse and affirm who your child is and their skills and achievements to date; enjoy your child; empower them to manage confidently on their own; and place value on effort. ”   (Taken from an article found here)

Another article that is excellent for tween girls is this one.

What do you think, does quality time have a direct correlation to a child’s self esteem?  What are some of the things you do to boost your tween’s self esteem?

Body image is something that we all struggle with.  Tweens are not exempt.  My daughter has asked why she hasn’t hit the apparent growth spurt her friends have.  She wonders when that “time” will come.  I am realizing more and more the importance of teaching her to love herself.  Embrace the good. Focus on her positive characteristics and character traits rather than outside appearance.  I am learning that as parents we have the responsibility and rights to set the tone and be better at exemplifying these within ourselves as well.  I am also learning (still) that there are appropriate times just to listen and not always solve or advise.  There are moments that our tweens just need to feel loved and need a hug of reassurance.

Author Donna Fish wrote, “so what is a parent to do who is hoping to help her tween emerge into the teenage years and adulthood with any semblance of self esteem? Here are some tips:

1) Don’t EXPECT them to maintain a ‘positive body image’. If it happens, terrific. If not though, don’t worry that they are abnormal. In fact, they are completely normal.

2) They will try to ‘off load’ the ‘bad feelings’ about themselves onto you. This is done by telling you things like: “I hate my thighs”, or: “I always look terrible”. They need to ‘off load’ the intensity of their feelings and unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you think about it, you are their target. That way, they get to relieve the pressure. Oh, the joys of motherhood!

3) Their negative and critical comments may trigger in you feelings of responsibility for needing to help them have ‘good self esteem’. This is not your problem. Your job is to help them ‘tolerate’ the feelings without acting in a self destructive manner. You do this by surviving their ‘dumping’ their feelings onto you at times, and otherwise, ‘get out of the way!

4) Their self criticism may trigger your own self criticism. About yourself as a parent, or about your own body. Be aware of anything that you notice and separate your own feelings out as much as you can.

5) If they say nothing, don’t think it is necessarily a reflection of a positive body image. They might be hiding their feelings for some reason.

6) Watch out for drops in weight and ongoing weight loss. Seek professional help if this continues and/or they are starting a binge/purge cycle.

7) Try not to get sucked into their drama. They will do everything as I said, to ‘offload’ the feelings, often in the form of a fight. This actually might help distract everyone and will inevitably happen at times, but try to decrease the amount of times you get sucked in.

8)  Take many deep breaths. Remind yourself that it is not your job to help them ‘feel better’. It is your job to give them space to work this out and feel it themselves. Become a little hard of hearing.”

Have your tweens expressed concern over their image?  How do you foster better self esteem with your tween?

“At home your child deserves caring parents who reprove with love and spend the rest of their time helping him feel like he can conquer the world.”

Delbert T. Goates, M.D.

A positive Self-Esteem is one of the best gifts we can foster for our tween’s.  We live in a pretty harsh world where our tween’s are often beat down.  For the most part, the world won’t build them up, compliment them and cheer for them.  Through their peer’s, they will learn that they are not good enough, cool enough, skinny enough or smart enough.

The one place that our tween’s can develop a positive self-image is within the walls of our home.  As parent’s, we can make a choice.  We either join the pack of wolves and keep beating our tween’s down.  Or, we can be their biggest cheerleader, see the good in them, be patient with them and bite our tongue when we need to.

By helping to build a positive self-esteem in our children we are arming them for life.  We are giving the best solid foundation for them in their lives.  Tween’s who like themselves, feel good about themselves and see their personal worth won’t fall to the temptations of the world.  They will be strong enough to say no to things they know are wrong.

Tell your tween’s again and again how special they are, how smart they are and how absolutely wonderful they are.  Then, they will feel as if they CAN conquer the world and not shrink away in fear of the world eating them up.

How do you foster a positive self-esteem for your tween?

There is a song I remember from my youth. Its lyrics said, “I know who I am and I’ll take a stand for all I believe…”  With my interactions with tweens I have discovered that self-esteem varies widely.  Some tweens are very confident, self assured and feel good about themselves.  Others struggle with self-esteem.  It makes me reflect on what I am doing to either help build it up or in my moments of frustration, possibly tear it down. 

It’s not like I sit down and talk about “self-esteem.”  However, I’m a big “feelings” person and often check in with all my children to see how they are doing and feeling.  Sometimes it’s obvious.  There usually is a direct correlation with how positive I have been with them.  Can you over praise a child?  Does this create a child who thinks that they do no wrong or are good at everything?   I have many positive examples that have taught me that you can correct without tearing someone down.  We can be loving, discipline and still build character and self-esteem.

I loved this article; its main point that stuck out to me was the benefits my tween will have with a healthy self-esteem.  “Children who have high self-esteem feel free to take social risks and avoid falling prey to peer pressure,” adds Dr. Swanson. They are also less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.  In addition, there’s also the bonus that kids who value and respect themselves are more willing to be open and talk with their parents.”

I am grateful that by teaching my daughter who she is and where she comes from, she has been able to embrace an understanding that she is worth something.  In a conversation we had this week when I asked five things she likes about herself, she responded with one, “I know that I’m a daughter of God.”  When I asked her what she meant she responded that she knew she was loved by her family and God and no matter what people say she knows that.  As a parent you want your children to know that they are important.  You want them to know that they are loved.  You want them to be able to talk.  Sometimes, I need to be reminded that I need to be a little better at telling my tween how great she is and positively reinforce the things she is doing well.  Heaven only knows we all need a little more self-esteem.

How do you build your child’s self-esteem?  Do you feel like our tweens self-esteem is affected in their daily routines?  If so, how are you countering those negative effects. ?  Would love to hear others opinions!