This past weekend my tween was working on her science fair project.  She was given the assignment about a month and half ago and was excitedly researching to discover “her” project.  She was excited to think she could win and move onto the State Science Fair.  Then she started showing signs of not caring.  When I spoke with her she simply stated, “it’s not my project.”  When I inquired what she meant she explained that her well intentioned father had changed her topic and had taken over.

I sat back and watched my husband and saw the excitement of a fourth grader in his eyes…he was reliving her experience.  It made me reflect on the moments when, as parents when we think we are helping, perhaps we are crippling our tweens or living vicariously through our kids. I know from experience that the feeling of doing something someone else wants you to do just to please is very unsettling. I had to stand up. I tried speaking with them both individually and then had to get louder because the well-intentioned Dad kept trying to do it even after we reread the teacher’s instructions on parental involvement.

Needless to say, after talking a lot, stepping back a lot and relinquishing childhood dreams, my daughter was still able to do her project even though it wasn’t “perfect.”  As parents we want the best for our children. We want them to succeed. We want them to excel. However, not ever child will mimic our strengths, desires or will.  I am learning to embrace each child for their strengths.  I’m learning to step back and mentor not lead.  I’m learning to listen more than talking.  I’m learning to watch for the non-verbal cues of “shutdown” that tweens can often do within their moods.

Most tweens want the same things as their parents.  Their journey may be smoother or bumpier, but I’m learning it’s their journey.  We cannot try to anticipate what the journey may bring because many of those experiences are what strengthens our characters.  I’m glad my daughter finally spoke up about her feelings and we were able to resolve this before project presentations.  Although she no longer wishes to win, she is at least doing her best to embrace her project and try to understand that her father meant no harm.

Have you ever felt like your child was hurt through your efforts to help?  Do you allow your tween to do everything on projects or do you intervene?

I like to think of the holidays like a huge storm.  You know, the kind the news reporters hype up and tell us to prepare for.  We hurriedly go out and buy “emergency supplies” to be ready for it.  Then the storm comes and it is just that, a storm.  You either are prepared or not, but after it passes, it’s calm. The holidays really are like that: For months we try to select just the right gifts, decor, food menu, party plans, etc. Within hours it’s over. I feel like the calm after a storm.  However, it is a good feeling.

This year we tried not to get too caught up in hype.  We tried to focus on the reason for the celebration.  We tried to do more as a family.  We tried to serve and give more than receive. We were prepared.  Prepared not to listen to the hype, not to get caught in the holiday snares, not to forget how blessed we are as a nation, family and culture.

Even though the “big” gift giving holiday is over, the holidays still envelope us. We are still surrounded by our families, time, and gifts. My tween reminded me again of simplicity. We had gotten a MegaBall for the family for Christmas. It’s an ice cream maker that you roll around as a family…you can use it camping, as a game, it’s lightweight and doesn’t require electricity, etc. Weird gift, yes. However, when we asked our children what they would say was the best thing they did on holiday break so far, it was, “having a ‘ball’ making our own ice cream as a family.” It wasn’t all those expensive gifts, it wasn’t anything that anyone had asked for, it was an inexpensive gift and time together laughing, collecting snow since we ran out of ice for the outside and creating “the best ice cream Ben & Jerry’s ever saw.”

It made me realize that being calm, organized and prepared far outweighs all the hustle and bustle of not being prepared and stressed.  It was the quiet moments together reenacting the Christmas story, reading holiday books, drinking hot cocoa, watching films together and just the time spent, together.

What are some of your families favorite “after the storm” activities?

It was just yesterday that my tween was screaming as I tried to get a picture with her and Santa.  Then she loved him and believed in him and wanted to take pictures, write letters and leave cookies.  Now, well, we have to keep her silent as not to ruin her younger siblings magical beliefs.

It was last year that she questioned his existence.  Then it happened.  I messed up.  I wrapped “Santa’s” gift with the same paper as another gift from us.  The result of an innocent mistake was a confirmation she had long been waiting for.

Many kids start questioning the belief of Santa around 8 years old.  Then more and more children start making fun of others who still believe.  My daughter questioned for a year or so but held out for the magic in her heart.  Then, she was too observant and had too many unanswered questions about the validity of the “North Pole” and people realistically being able to sustain life in the temperatures and environment.  Logic prevailed.

We have been trying to have her keep the silence and she has humored us by slyly smiling as phone calls to Santa (grandpa) are made, letters are written, cookies are made to be left, etc.  She has asked us why we should “deceive” my son with the belief.  Our youngest is still too young to believe yet.  We simply said, “don’t shatter others’ beliefs, we still believe.”

This discovery also led to all the other “magical” holiday fairies’ validity.  Hence, I get handed a tooth and asked for the “fairy money.”  To which I reply, “there is no payment beyond disbelief.”    The sad reality of my growing tween!

Has your tween discovered “Santa?”  How and when do you manage our tween with their questioning minds?

Both of my boys are kind and sensitive. It is one of the traits I appreciate most in them. Unfortunately for Jake, this week it was also a trait that caused him to be pretty embarrassed in school.  There was an incident in music class and as a teacher at the school, I was there to see firsthand how Jake reacted to being sent out of class for his behavior.

The "Offender" hamming it up on a recent trip to DC

I was stopped in the hallway by Jake’s teacher…she told me he had been sent back to the classroom for a minor issue. I know firsthand that the music teacher at school is not very tolerant and she is quick to send kids out when she does not like their behavior. I guess it was Jake’s turn and he did not handle it well.

Jake is not a child who gets in trouble at school. He gets good report cards and conference time is as easy as can be when I talk with his teachers. That is why this incident upset him so much. He was teary eyed when I walked in and seeing me only made it worse. I tried really hard to calm him down before his classmates came back into the room. I could tell he was puzzled about being sent out and felt bad enough about that part alone. Having his friends see him cry would have done him in!

As the boys get older I am sure the tears will not come so easily, but for now, at seven, Jake could not hold them back. The hard part for me was treating the issue and the tears all at once without seeing him as a little boy anymore. He is learning to calm himself down and he is dealing with the feelings of embarrassment be now feels when he cries in front of others. I just hope we don’t need to deal with it anymore at school

When did your tween start to become more self conscious about tears in public?

I love the song by Martina McBride called, “In My Daughter’s Eyes.”  It describes the relationship that I see, the hope, the faith, the trust, the optimism, the complete feelings my daughter and I share.  I feel very blessed for my tween and her younger sister and of course my son.  This post will focus on the bonds mothers share with their daughters.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

In my daughter’s eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter’s eyes

In my daughter’s eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter’s eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It’s hangin’ on when your heart
has had enough
It’s giving more when you feel like giving up
I’ve seen the light
It’s in my daughter’s eyes

In my daughter’s eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she’ll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I’m gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I’ll be there
In my daughter’s eyes

Studies are quick to show the resiliency of the mother daughter bond.  It is unique in the sense that mothers will always continue to mother and daughters will always continue to seek approval and need that connection regardless of age.  They relate to more emotions, feelings and experiences.  When I look at my daughter I am reminded of so many of my own childhood experiences and emotions.  I know a little more when to back off and not to push or when to be more lenient.  I am grateful for all mothers biological or not who show loves, provide counsel , advice and love.  I am grateful to be a mother of daughters and my son.

What are some of the bonds you share with your tween girls or your own mother?  Has it been influential to you as a mother?